Ducks in Heaven
Three men all die in a car crash and go to Heaven on the same day. They are waiting at the gate when St. Peter arrives and greets them, "Welcome to Heaven, gents. There is only one rule here in Heaven and it is don't step on the ducks." The men each look at each other confusingly. St. Peter opens the gate and sure enough there are thousands of tiny ducks covering the ground.
The first man goes in and lasts a week and steps on a duck. St. Peter appears out of nowhere with the ugliest woman he has ever seen and handcuffs them together. He says, "This is your consequence for stepping on a duck. You must be stuck with this woman for all eternity," and disappears.
The second man goes for a month and finally steps on a duck. The same thing happens again. St. Peter arrives with the ugliest woman he has ever seen, handcuffs them together, explains what has happened and leaves.
The third man goes on for years and years, but never steps on a duck. Suddenly, St. Peter pops up out of nowhere with the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. He handcuffs them together and leaves. The man looks at the woman and says, "Gee, I wonder what I did to deserve this." With a sad look on her face, she says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
The first man goes in and lasts a week and steps on a duck. St. Peter appears out of nowhere with the ugliest woman he has ever seen and handcuffs them together. He says, "This is your consequence for stepping on a duck. You must be stuck with this woman for all eternity," and disappears.
The second man goes for a month and finally steps on a duck. The same thing happens again. St. Peter arrives with the ugliest woman he has ever seen, handcuffs them together, explains what has happened and leaves.
The third man goes on for years and years, but never steps on a duck. Suddenly, St. Peter pops up out of nowhere with the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. He handcuffs them together and leaves. The man looks at the woman and says, "Gee, I wonder what I did to deserve this." With a sad look on her face, she says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
The Taxi Driver and the Minister
At the pearly gates, a taxi driver and minister are waiting in line. St. Peter consults his list and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
St. Peter next greets the minister saying, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff while I get a cotton robe and wooden staff. How can this be?"
"You see, up here, we work by results," says St. Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
St. Peter next greets the minister saying, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff while I get a cotton robe and wooden staff. How can this be?"
"You see, up here, we work by results," says St. Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
Funeral Service
A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carrying the casket accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the women is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end the pallbearers are again carrying the casket out. As they are walking, the husband calls out, "Watch out for the wall!"
The Nursing Home
A minister is visiting the residents of a nursing home and has asked an elderly woman if he could come in and share his faith with her. She welcomes him in and he had been talking with her for a little while she excuses herself to use the rest room. While he is patiently waiting for her to return, he flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts she had in a bowl on the table.
Before he knew it, he had finished the whole bowl and felt bad for what he had done. When she returns, he explained what had happened, apologized, and offered to replace her peanuts.
She replied, "That's okay, dearie. Ever since I lost my teeth, I just like to suck the chocolate off of them anyway."
Before he knew it, he had finished the whole bowl and felt bad for what he had done. When she returns, he explained what had happened, apologized, and offered to replace her peanuts.
She replied, "That's okay, dearie. Ever since I lost my teeth, I just like to suck the chocolate off of them anyway."
Rabbi and a Priest
A Rabbi and a Priest are driving one day and, by a freak accident, have a head-on collision with tremendous force. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of the clerics has a scratch on him.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God!"
The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this! Here's another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."
The priest nods in agreement. The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, puts the cork back in, and sets it off to the side.
The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"
The rabbi replies, "Yeah, I will but I am going to wait until after the police compile their report."
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There is nothing left, yet we are here, unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and share our lives in peace and friendship for the rest of our days on earth."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must surely be a sign from God!"
The rabbi is looking at his car and exclaims, "And look at this! Here's another miracle! My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of Mogen David wine did not break. Surely, God wants us to drink this wine and to celebrate our good fortune."
The priest nods in agreement. The rabbi hands the bottle to the priest, who drinks half the bottle and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, puts the cork back in, and sets it off to the side.
The priest, baffled, asks, "Aren't you having any, Rabbi?"
The rabbi replies, "Yeah, I will but I am going to wait until after the police compile their report."
Visiting Preacher
A preacher went out one day to visit his church members. At one house, it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the preacher knocked several times. Finally, the preacher took out his card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door. The next Sunday, his card turned up in the collection plate with the addition of the words "Genesis 3:10".
Later, when checking the Bible verse, he couldn’t help but break into laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins: “Behold, I stand at the door and knock.”
Genesis 3:10 reads: “I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.
Later, when checking the Bible verse, he couldn’t help but break into laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins: “Behold, I stand at the door and knock.”
Genesis 3:10 reads: “I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.
Priest, Minister, and a Rabbi
A priest, a minister and a rabbi wanted to see who was best at his job. So they decided the best way to test it was to to into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together and compared the results.
The priest proudly states, "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
Next the minister said, "I found a bear by the stream and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a full-body cast.
In a painful grumble, the rabbi said, “Ya know, in hindsight, maybe I shouldn’t have started off with the circumcision.”
The priest proudly states, "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
Next the minister said, "I found a bear by the stream and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a full-body cast.
In a painful grumble, the rabbi said, “Ya know, in hindsight, maybe I shouldn’t have started off with the circumcision.”
Suitcase in Heaven
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through." St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through." St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"
Prayer for Bubba
“What’s wrong, Bubba?” asked the pastor.
“I need you to pray for my hearing,” said Bubba.
The pastor put his hands on Bubba’s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, “So how’s your hearing?”
“I don’t know,” said Bubba. “It isn’t until next Tuesday.”
“I need you to pray for my hearing,” said Bubba.
The pastor put his hands on Bubba’s ears and prayed. When he was done, he asked, “So how’s your hearing?”
“I don’t know,” said Bubba. “It isn’t until next Tuesday.”
Curse this Lawnmower
Gary was having a yard sale. A minister bought a lawn mower but returned it a few days later, complaining that it wouldn’t run.“
It’ll run,” said Gary. “But you have to curse at it to get it started.”
The minister was shocked. “I have not uttered a curse in 30 years.”
“Just keep pulling on the starter rope—the words will come back to you.”
It’ll run,” said Gary. “But you have to curse at it to get it started.”
The minister was shocked. “I have not uttered a curse in 30 years.”
“Just keep pulling on the starter rope—the words will come back to you.”
3 Men Fishing
Three guys are fishing when an angel appears.
The first guy says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.
The second guy points to his thick glasses and begs for a cure for his poor eyesight. When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake, the man gains 20/20 vision.
As the angel turns to the third fellow, he instantly recoils and screams, “Don’t touch me! I’m on disability!”
The first guy says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?” The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.
The second guy points to his thick glasses and begs for a cure for his poor eyesight. When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake, the man gains 20/20 vision.
As the angel turns to the third fellow, he instantly recoils and screams, “Don’t touch me! I’m on disability!”
The Dyslexic Devil Worshiper
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper? He sold his soul to Santa.
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